dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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