i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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