the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
