There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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