Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
