Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
