You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Houston, we have a blender
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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