if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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