BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
