I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can you bring me the toilet please
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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