I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
