Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize