i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
