I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
