Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
