I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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