You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
