I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
