I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
