How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize