if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
