Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
