brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize