I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
