New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
