so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
