A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
