I'm going to jail i love you
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
did you just send me my own nude
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
