Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
