mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize