I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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