The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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