True but thats because hes a fetus.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
