OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
