you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
