never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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