Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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