I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
