Your face is a jimmy john
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
