You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
