I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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