OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
