My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
