My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
