Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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