The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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