Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
