I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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