Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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