You're so nebulous sometimes
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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