I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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