u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
