I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
God I need to hump something, right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
