He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
