Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
