he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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