Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
