I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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