if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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