His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
