I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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