i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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