Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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