Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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